Excerpt - Chapter Eight “Identical”

by Jirina Linnea

“How are you feeling?”

For a moment, Keith could only stare back, trying to sort out his thoughts; trying to decide how truthful he wanted to be.

“If you actually meant what you said last night…” he said finally. “Then I’m good.”

Lance held his gaze for a second, before stepping closer.

There was nothing but sincerity in Lance’s eyes. “I meant literally every word I said last night.”

Keith’s fingers curled into fists as he fought off the urge to reach out and grab Lance’s shirt. “So, if…when we get back to the team… After we win our own war and go back to Earth.” His heart was hammering out an erratic rhythm against his ribcage. “If I came to you after a while and told you I wanted to head back out here – to explore and travel and have adventures, you would –“

He went quiet as Lance held up a finger. “Hm. Nope. See, you’re forgetting one very important piece of information there, man. You wouldn’t need to come find me, because I would…” For a moment Lance faltered. He drew in a breath before letting it out, his face settling into something oddly determined. “I would really like for you to come and meet my family.”

Keith’s heart rate skyrocketed, making him feel lightheaded. But that elation was immediately stamped down by the crushing foot of doubt. “That’s not…we don’t –“

“It’s for people who are important to me.” Lance raised an eyebrow. “And after last night, you should definitely know you are one of those people.”

Maybe it was the lingering honesty from the previous night – maybe it was the after effects of Keith’s walls crumbling down – but he heard himself whispering. “Yeah, but I didn’t think I was…that important to you. To meet your –“

“Seriously? Even after everything I said to you? Yelled at you?”

Keith found it hard to meet Lance’s eyes. “I know. But it’s…not the same. I mean, we’re…we’re the only ones here. And our emotions were really high last night. So just…” he drew in a shallow breath. “You’re saying it now, and that’s… But when we get back, after everything is over, if you don’t…if you change your mind, I’m just saying it will be fine. I’ll underst –“

Keith’s words were cut off as anger flashed across Lance’s face and then he was striding forward and grabbing Keith – his hands sliding into Keith’s hair as his fingers cupped the back of his neck.

“Red, listen to me.” Lance was all seriousness.

He was so close, Keith found himself holding his breath.

“Everything I said last night…I didn’t say what I thought you needed to hear, okay, I –“ Lance floundered for a second, his cheeks tinged pink. “All the things I said were things I had always wanted to say to you. They were already there, in my head, before all this.”

Keith found that his hands had latched onto Lance’s sides without his permission.

“You are important to me.” Lance’s voice was soft and earnest and it was almost too much. “You’ve always been important to me. What I’m saying is, it – it won’t change when we go back, okay? It won’t be different.”

Keith squeezed his eyes shut and –

“Look at me, Red.”

“I don’t want to cry again.” The words escaped on a shaky breath. “I…I want to…”

He wanted to kiss Lance.

More than he’d ever wanted to do anything in his life.

And he knew if he opened his eyes, that temptation would win out.

“I want…”

But it was more than that.

He wanted to find the words to convey how much Lance meant to him. He wanted to give Lance everything that he deserved. He wanted to show Lance how important he was; to make him see that he was…

He was everything.

To Keith, he was everything.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Lance’s voice was a lifeline pulling him back. “I get it. Big feelings are hard, right?” For a moment Lance paused, his thumbs brushing absentmindedly across Keith’s cheekbones. “Just think about it, okay? You don’t have to. But if you wanted…I’d love for you to meet my family, and I know they’d be so happy to meet you, too.”

Blindly, eyes still shut, Keith pitched forward until his forehead met with Lance’s shoulder.

There weren’t words that balanced along the tightrope between acceptable things to say to a friend, and everything he wanted to say to the person he loved. Not in this situation. Not here, with Lance’s fingers gently combing through the hair at the back of Keith’s neck.

The hope he had tried to smother for so long was back – blazing like a wildfire in Keith’s chest.

I want to kiss you.

I want to hold onto you forever.

I want to meet your family.

I want –

“I want to be better,” Keith’s voice decided to say instead. “When I meet your family. I want to be…” Better. Worthy. Good enough. Someone you can be proud of. “I don’t want to be your pathetic friend who can’t handle his own emotions.”

Lance’s fingers stilled in Keith’s hair. “I…know you’re not just going to immediately believe me if I deny that whole statement, so…” He paused, and when he continued, Keith felt the soft press of Lance’s cheek against his hair. “This’ll just be something we work on together, okay? I’ll help you realize there’s nothing pathetic about you, and in exchange maybe you could help remind me that I’m not a failure and a coward.”

“You’re not –“ The immediate response was to deny it, of course. Because Lance wasn’t a coward or a failure, and Keith knew that. But Lance was right – it wouldn’t have changed anything for his own feelings to be denied, so instead he pressed in just a little closer, murmuring, “Okay. Whatever you need, sweetheart.”

He hadn’t meant to say it, the pet name had just slipped out with all the sincerity in Keith’s heart.

They were so close, Keith felt the shuddering breath as it traveled through Lance’s body. “Okay.” Lance’s breath ruffled Keith’s hair. “Okay, yeah. One more request. Just…keep calling me that.”

Keith dared to turn his head just a little – just enough so that his nose brushed against Lance’s neck. “If you keep calling me Red, we’ve got a deal.”

Lance’s laugh was breathy and warm. “Oh, you like that, now? Because I recall –“

“You called me that when you told me I wasn’t alone.”

Abruptly, Lance was pulling away, his hands on Keith’s cheeks, his eyes dark and blue and close and full of intensity. “And you called me sweetheart when you agreed to stay together after all of this.”

Lance was so close, and Keith was going to kiss him.

He was right there – and Keith was definitely going to kiss him.

He was –

“Lance –“

He might –

I would really like for you to come and meet my family.

You are important to me.

Look at me, Red.

Stay with me, Red.

The realization hit Keith in the chest, knocking the air from his lungs.

The hope blazed bright – a massive, fiery ball of anticipation and desire, because –

Because Lance was going to kiss him.

He could practically see the decision being made.

He could see the choice – the resolve – in Lance’s eyes.

He could feel it in the way Lance’s fingers tensed against his head.

And Keith wanted it so badly, he let his eyes slide shut again. He let his hands press gently against Lance’s back, urging him on.

He let his body betray his heart.

The kiss was so gentle – just the barest press of Lance’s lips against his – and yet it swept Keith up in the current of his own emotions, making his fingers curl against the fabric of Lance’s shirt. It made him press into the kiss with the smallest sound at the back of his throat.

It made him want to open his mouth. To let Lance in. To give himself over.

But then Lance was pulling away, his breath shuddering from his lips on a reverent whisper of Keith’s name.

Keith’s arms were fully wrapped around Lance’s back, his own breath high in his chest –

And then he was tilting his head, pressing back in, his lips against Lance’s. And they were soft and pliant, and Lance’s hands were burying themselves in Keith’s hair, cradling his head, pulling him in, and –

“Keith. McClain.”

They broke away from one another, their eyes searching the others’ – trying to hang onto this one moment of intimacy, before Lance was scowling and turning toward the tent entrance. “Yeah. We’re both awake.”

Keith heard Curtis’s feet shift on the grass outside their tent. “Right. So…we’re packing up soon. Just wanted to let you know, and…check to see if you’re both okay.”

Lance opened his mouth, but Keith silenced him with a little squeeze of Lance’s waist. He raised his voice enough for Curtis to hear, but addressed his answer directly at Lance. “Yeah, we’re okay.”

He didn’t hear Curtis’ acknowledgement. He didn’t hear him leave.

Battles could have been raging on the other side of that tent flap, and Keith still wouldn’t have heard it.

  Because Lance’s eyes were wide as they held his own, and the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth looks a lot like hope to Keith.

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